Myth of the Redshirts
by J0j2
Summary: McCoy's favorite time of the year. Bones tells the mother of ghost stories annually to the new redshirts. Hillarious! Plz R


Myth of the Redshirts

Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN THESE CHARACTERS! If I did, I would be huggling them instead of writing this…

McCoy lead the new ensigns and yeomen to the unlit federation central hall. This was his thing. Every year he waited for this, he thought, smiling thinly and deviously the whole way there. All the new to come redshirts had been told that since Dr. Leonard McCoy was a veteran he had to fill them in on some common procedures. It would happen the same way it always did. But this year would be _extra _hilarious.

He entered the dark room. Almost uncannily like the bridge, but without the captain's chair, the helmsmen position seats and chairs. Well, there were chairs but they had been taken out. Orders strictly by Kirk. The bridge was allowed to watch this. There was an infra red camera installed. Thank Zeus the federation didn't know!

"Come on, speed it up! We have a limited schedule here." He said, rushing the new crew members in to the room. As they entered the lights went on from the sensors. Little did the redshirts know it wasn't the lights. Ah, the wonderful crew. "Alright, everyone take a seat."

All the people sat down in the foldable chairs that had been set up on the enterprise for this event. "So, just to warn you, the Kling-ons had a meeting with the federation and the new mutual agreement established from the Romulans and Borgs they disagreed with, so if there's some turbulence or lighting problems, it's normal." He shrugged. "So, onboard there are medical bay direct communication systems set up here," he pulled out a diagram and began explaining useless information. Sure it was true, but most they already knew and would be informed later on. This went on for about fifteen minutes. Bones rambled on and on, waiting.

"Come on Jim, do it already!" he thought, keeping his face still, going about how to take the sleeping pills found in the blue _right_ cabinet. Not blue _left _cabinet. He could see the occasional teenager about Chekov's age exchanging glances or whispering. Perfect. Now he just needed Kirk…

He had waited and received his reward. The ship rocked, at first lightly, then it began tirelessly, rocking the occupants back and forth. Lights flickered a little, leaving the room in darkness, and back in dimmer light. "Permission to speak?" a cute girl in the front row, no older then 19, squeaked. It was working! Bones could literally see her heartbeat pumping in and out of her chest.

"Granted." The good doctor replied.

"What's going on?"

"Don't worry." He assured. "The captain will get the rocking to stop and the bridge is already aware our lighting is out. Automatic systems are great. But, we didn't get the emergency lights installed in this room. It's too new. We should move to another room if it goes out." The lights went out. Murmurs of 'of course' and 'cruddy engine systems…' went through the crowd.

"Alright, I guess that means we leave." McCoy took a luminosity beam for this day specifically and guided everyone to the door. It refused to open. Normally Sulu forgot to cover that one. He got it done this time.

"Doctor, it's not opening!" one of the teens cried. He couldn't have been 17. Rookies are great, aren't they?!

"Report to the bridge." He said, it didn't come out as worried as he wanted, but the panicked newbies didn't care. One attacked the communicator from the room.

"Federation hall to bridge, do you read?" the voice fell on dead air. "Do you read?!" he repeated, more panicked than ever. A wave of anxiety rushed through the crowd. Quickly, bones knew he had to make his move.

"Alright, the communications system is down. We're having an in-ship power down, but I do have this LB612, so we can just continue the orientation. Don't worry, the engine room's trying to get the lights working again. Go back to your seats." Practically all the ensigns went to the chairs except for a few who stood there staring. "That's an order." They sat down.

Bones talked a little more before moving on to the real reason they came here, going occasionally off on tangents, and going off topic. "And then that poor ensign wearing that red shirt…" he paused and put his head down to honor the fallen soldier, smiled a little and suspense met his grateful ears. One of the soon to be redshirts nervously raised his hand. As a way of saying 'yes?' McCoy nodded and raised an eyebrow at the ensign.

"What happened?" he asked, mustering as much courage as he could. McCoy hid a laugh. The kid did _not _sound like he was 'simply asking a question.'

"I…well…" he paused and felt the tension in the room. He sighed. "Alright, I'll tell you, but StarBase tells against it. If this escapes the room, they'll personally put you and I on court martial, you hear?" McCoy lectured, his southern accent unusually thick. The rows of newbies sat, wide eyed, eager and scared. It was hilarious! Even Spock had to be amused with this set up. This was better then every other year before!

"The landing party of Efrensia 84 was a big one, the normal personnel, Kirk, Spock, Scotty and I, were sent down to investigate the planets surface and the unusual death of staff members in a penal colony. The guy's name was Goliath Kärnten. He had gone in to that room. It was the inmates' chamber. Each cell was unlocked and empty. The sun in the Enfra solar system is very dim and it was setting, and the toxic gas around the planet prevents the stars from coming through, so imagine an almost pitch black room, shadows everywhere and to make matters worse, all the cell doors open." He stopped, letting them take in every word of it.

"He opened his communicator and told the Captain, Spock and I about it and we rushed there. We flicked on our headlights and saw that the room was indeed empty except for one thing." He took a breath in. Practically the entire audience was captivated. But there were some rebellious looking youths who rolled their eyes, but Bones saw that on some there was sweat, beading up on their foreheads.

"One of the inmates sat dead on the floor, smack dab in the center. It didn't take a doctor to tell that this guy was dead. Kärnten looked at the dead body, puzzled. There was maroon blood littering his uniform. It was a Vandacarnian. Then there was this…this…noise. It rattled like footsteps, gently shaking the entire jail. The Vander was dead. We were all sure of it. There had been readings I took. He was dead as could be. But there it was. His mouth opened."

"Now let me tell you." He said, breaking the anticipation the slightest bit. "Vandacarnians have really weird tongues. They may be close in cell structure to humans but I don't believe the physics. The dead prisoner licked his lips and whispered, 'leave the colony and I have already cursed the one wearing my blood.'" They new ensigns and yeomen looked slowly at their shirts, knowing what their eyes would meet. Red like blood.

"Kärnten's pupils went tiny. He stared me right in the eyes. He asked me if we heard that. Solemnly we nodded. My heart beat like a it had been super charged and someone gave me three hypos worth of adrenaline. Then Goliath's breath stopped. Tightened, it was cut." McCoy lured them. This was great. They ate out of the palm of his hand!

"Then it was ripped out in a blood curdling screech. He went, 'tell me you heard that…please tell me you heard the voice of the devil…am I…?' Spock and I exchanged worried glances. There was a wind that chilled me right down to the bones and inside out. It was truly the voice of a demon. Writhing tendrils flowed through my veins and my vision blurred and it was pitch black through my eyes." Gorily, Bones continued, silently musing at the audience, thoroughly freaked out.

"Then I turned next to me and there lay Goliath Kärnten, blood spattering his uniform. I stepped away, not wanting to take a pulse. It was spewing, flowing freely out of his chest. Then we heard the voice again. 'All with my blood of your fleet shall be pursued.' The vandacarnian said before closing his mouth like a proper dead person. We all just looked at eachother, disbelieving what had happened and-" through the previously installed speakers came a sound carefully recorded and cut by the genius Vulcan on the enterprise, made to sound vile and make your skin crawl.

Bones was so used to this sound it didn't even make him cringe. But all the Vandacarnian blood colored shirt wearers shook, some screamed. This was what made McCoy cut off, so not to be suspicious. Then, as the icing on the cake, his shut off the only light source in the room. The loudest shriek he had ever heard rose from the audience. Oh how he loved being a doctor.

The screams lasted for a good, say four and a half minutes, then, the lights flickered on. The uproar stopped and all systems were working. McCoy fought back a smile creeping across his face.

"Alright, it appears the controls are back on." He looked at his wristwatch. "And it seems we're out of time here. Report back to your quarters. Dismissed." He said, enjoying the power.

The new redshirts rushed out of the room silently. Not one word passed their lips. As soon as everyone was gone, the laugh of a lifetime came out of the doctor. He took a deep breath before going out into the corridor to go to the bridge.

When the Captain saw him, he applauded and high fived the renowned doctor. "Bravo! You just get better every year with this, don't you?" he said, complimenting his friend.

"I had them screaming for four minutes!" he laughed, choking on the words.

"Actually four minutes, forty three point seven six nine seconds." Spock inquired. Even Spock was highly amused with the situation.

"Ensign quarters to bridge, come in bridge." Came through the communicator. Kirk shushed everyone before proceeding to push the button.

"Bridge here, yes ensign?" Jim replied nonchalantly.

"The lights went out and there was this…noise and-"

"Where?" he falsely questioned.

"In the federation central hall."

"We know that there was a lighting problem due to photon torpedoes from the kling-on ship, but a noise? Like what?"

"It was…like a demon-"

"Are you to tell me you called to report a noise that seems highly illogical?" he winked at Spock, and the Vulcan half breed raised an eyebrow.

"Well I-"

"We are very busy up here and do not have time for useless comments. Kirk out." He punched the buttons.

"Aye captain, got to love ensigns." Scotty snickered, lightly punching the captain on the arm.

"Ah, rookies." McCoy sighed and smiled to himself. He remembered telling the same story to Scotty. "Can't wait for next year."


End file.
